Resonation雜文
'I always thought there's this person who came to my life, so bright, passionate and so sexually attracted for me that can save me from the dark place I'm staying at, getting away from my pain. I'm so desperate, yet afraid. If there's such person, I will lose control and become extremely vulnerable.'
She became so excited while she leaned forward and stared at me powerfully in my eyes. Then she paused for a second and her eyes shined brightly again with sadness but strength.
'But I know no one is coming. Even if there is, no one can save me.'
I'm shocked by her authenticity. I was trying to think of words that can comfort her, gives her hope but... She seems to know more than I can offer.
There's a few minute silence between us. Not in a bad way. We were both taking time to face the reality.
'It's painful to know the truth, but accepting is the first step. I know couple who are extremely happy and so fall in love with each other. The happiness is true, I know. I've been there. But the pain is true, too. I don't know if we can really change ourselves.'
She said those words in a calm voice. She looked away, it seems like someplace that's very far away, even though she is sitting right in front of me, one meter across the table. I looked down to the dish we ordered in the middle of the table and ticking with my forks gently.
'Have you ever heard of the research that studies twins who grew up in the completely different environment, families, even continent. But years apart, when the researched studied about their life, most of these twins have extremely similar personality, love the same favor of wine, have similar income and social status, even their wives are alike. Maybe your life is already set out for you, it's in the genes.'
'Really? There are such studies? I'm so overwhelmed now.'
'I've read an article about don't even bother to change others, just think about how hard it is to change yourself, you will know it. Women are so enthusiastic to change men, who knows, maybe things have already written out for us. You struggle to get away from your personal weakness, but it all came back just like a loop.'
'No, I don't believe nothing can be changed. If so, what's the difference between knowing and facing your pain and blind in it? It must be a way out somehow.'
The conversation stopped. Neither of us knows the answer. We've all experienced the hopeless moments that we felt like we've gone to somewhere, but it all went back again. But we don't know if it will work just give it another try. We don't know if we are trapped in the glass box that we created by ourselves or someone else created for us. It's not just a puzzle to work with. Because the puzzle is a fixed picture that you can logically figure out what pieces are missing. It's probably more like walking in the forest without GPS or any sign of the way out. You could remain hopeful or be desperate.
You just simply don't know.
But the choice is still in your own hand.
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